Just For Laughs

Letters to God (from dogs)
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We dogs love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Open Letter to My Dog:

Dear Dogs,

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

And finally, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.

- Anonymous

Dalmatians

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.

        "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
        "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close.

         "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

God and Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse)
to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that dog might, or might not, retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Where Do Pets Come From???

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer:

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me
even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you,
his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved...but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations,
so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat couldn't care less.

Best Friends
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell".

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

THINGS I MUST REMEMBER WHEN I COME BACK AS A DOG...

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2.    I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3.    I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4.    I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5.    I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6.    I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7.    I will not throw up in the car.

8.    I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9.    "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.

10.   I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11.   The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12.   I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13.   I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14.   When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15.   We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16.   I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17.   The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad's laps.

18.   My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19.   I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's driver's license and car registration.

20.   I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21.   I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage, because I don't want to have a string hanging out of my butt.

22.   I will not play "roll around in the dirt" after just getting a bath.

23.   Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24.   I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26.   I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

27.   The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28.   I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

29.   Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt makes people put me outside.

30.   The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Cross-breeds

Crossing purebred dogs can lead to some interesting new breeds. Check out these new dogs:

1.
A Pointer and a Setter = a Pointsetter - at his best at Christmas time.

2. A Collie and a Malamute = a Commute - the dog who loves to ride in the car.

3. A Collie and a Lhasa Apso = Collapso - a dog that folds up for easy transport.

4. A Deerhound and a Terrier = a Derriere - a dog that's true to the end.

5. A Spitz and a Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow - a dog that throws up a lot.

6. A Bloodhound and a Borzoi = Bloody Bore - a dog that's not much fun.

7. A Bloodhound and a Labrador = Blabador - a dog that barks incessantly.

8. A Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso = Peekasso - an abstract dog.

9. An Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

10. A Newfoundland and a Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound - a dog for financial advisors.

11. A Terrier and a Bulldog = Terribull - a dog that makes awful mistakes.

12. A Kerry Blue Terrier and a Skye Terrier = Blue Skye - a dog for visionaries.

13. A Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund = Pyradachs - a puzzling breed.

14. A Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever - the choice of research scientists.

15. A Malamute and a Pointer = Moot Point - owned by....oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever:
   The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one!?! Let me check and while I'm there I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!

Dachshund:   I can't even reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it! By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry!

Rottweiler: Go ahead. Make me!

Shih-Tzu: Puh-leese dah-ling, let the servants.......

Labrador: Oh me, me, pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiff's are NOT afraid of the dark.

Basset Hound: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Chihuahua:   Yo quiero taco bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, it's right there...

Greyhound:   It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Old English Sheepdog:   Light bulb? LIGHT BULB? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Sleeping with a Dog....

The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking weight difference between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.

Rule #1:    The deeper the sleep, the heavier the dog.

Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor!

Rule #2:    The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog.

As you cling to the edge, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that happens, your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then suddenly, a shrieking howl blasting through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boone cap. Night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly, and the heap of dog flesh sleeps, breathing heavily and passing wind.

Rule #3:    When the dog wakes, you wake.

Too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. Others romp all over your sleeping bodies. Passing gas is a never fail wake-up call. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face. Equally effective is the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night -- safe, contented, heavy, and loud!